We are weird, all of us, every single one of us. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve decided. I use to think that I was one of a band of a select few normal magicians amongst a throng of 24 carat barn pots. Well having returned from Blackpool I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve realised the truth?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù We are all strange. Magicians do not act like normal people when they attend a magic convention?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. We become weird.
I shouldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t have to prove it, you should all know.
Since necessity is said to be the mother of invention I have taken my observations of our madness and come up with some ingenious improvements for the ?¢‚ǨÀúwould be?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ convention organiser.

Observation 1
Hundreds of people seem to walk around the dealers several times a day without buying anything in fact usually not intending to buy anything. You wouldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t do that at Tesco would you? Maybe you would? Wandering around every day just having a look, stopping at the cheese counter. Hmmm nice, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìCan you eat it surrounded??¢‚Ǩ¬ù We wander the dealer hall in the vain hope that something will be there that we?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve never seen before but then we never really look. Probably because we know we won?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t find it, which isn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t surprising since we don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t know what we are looking for. Or maybe we are just frightened that we will miss out on something if we are not there. Like the time a whole stand went up in flames when a box of flash paper caught light?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ I was there testing out the new Funken rings.
Round and round and round?¢‚Ǩ¬¶.. ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI might just go and have another look around the dealers hall?¢‚Ǩ¬ù round and round and round. Why don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t we just go round once, carefully and buy what we need. Madness.

Solutions
1. Make everyone use shopping trolleys. We all hate that. That would make you think twice, especially if you needed a pound coin to free it from the long line of trolleys held together behind the close-up tables. You can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t shop with a trolley and not put something in it?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s too easy.

2. Make video booths available showing a continuous loop of someone walking round the dealers hall. Then the adventurous conventioneer can sit down with a cup of coffee and do a few virtual laps of the dealers.

3. Provide personal shoppers for the conventioneer. You give the personal shopper a list of the tricks you are hoping to eventual buy together with a list of new things you would love to see and the amount you want to spend. Maybe for an extra 20 quid you could have a VIP celebrity shopper. Just imagine sending Jay Sankey off into the dealer hall with your hard earned ?Ǭ£30 and instructions for him to spend it wisely. If anyone can cut a good deal and blag a little discount for you then Jay can.
Observation 2
Sticking with the dealers again. Why do we all have to come up with excuses as to why we are not buying something? We come up with some crackers.
Things like:
?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m not sure it suits me.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
?¢‚Ǩ?ìI have something a bit like that already but using a sink plunger.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
?¢‚Ǩ?ìI don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t like using gaffs?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
?¢‚Ǩ?ìMy grandmother is on the phone?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
?¢‚Ǩ?ìNot now I am about to moult?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m going to wait till it comes out in brail?¢‚Ǩ¬¶.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
And on and on we go as round and round we go. Why can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t we just be honest? ?¢‚Ǩ?ìIt stinks!?¢‚Ǩ¬ù ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve seen that idea a million times already.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI hate the idea of cat pictures on jumbo cards!?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
I suppose we don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t want to be honest because we know that every now and again that dealer will have something we want and we don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t want to discourage them from showing us stuff in the future. So we go out armed with the ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m just looking today and will buy everything on Sunday?¢‚Ǩ¬ù gambit.

Solution.
The convention organisers give us a double-sided convention badge. Green on one side and red on the other, if we are in a buying, show me mood we wear the badge green side out. If we are not interested we display the red side. It could even have a space where we can write down our reasons for not wanting to buy, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìSkint?¢‚Ǩ¬ù, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìHung over?¢‚Ǩ¬ù, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìDisillusioned?¢‚Ǩ¬ù etc. Job done

Observation 3
There is nothing that will slow you down at a big convention more than the polite chat. The first day is usually the worst you can rarely get 10 yards before you bump into the next guy, girl or couple whom you haven?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t seen for months and so you stop, greet, hug (shake hands if it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Guy Hollingworth), and have the polite chat.
Now I like the idea of meeting all my friends and chatting but these polite chats never go anywhere because we are all in the same boat?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. We think we have places to go, we are worried that we might be missing something and aware that someone 10 yards ahead is trying to catch our eye for the next polite chat?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. So the conversations always go the same way.
How are you? Are you busy? When did you arrive? Have you bought anything? Have you seen anything good? Ending the conversation usually with ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll see you in the bar later. It reminds me of those national geographic films of ants where they scurry about bumping into each other non stop until they eventually find half a leaf to carry.
It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s even worse when it happens in the dealers hall?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. Don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t get me started on that.

Solutions.
Convention organisers give us a break! ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ Put some space in that programme, you know ?¢‚Ǩ?ìgaps?¢‚Ǩ¬ù and provide a huge area with comfy sofa?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s and real coffee. Somewhere where we can sit down and chat properly with our friends while we write, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m a juggler?¢‚Ǩ¬ù on the red side of our badge.
If that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s too difficult why not provide us all with a printed T-shirt with our appropriate answers to all the polite chat questions. We could provide the answers on registration. Like ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m fine. Been quiet but picking up. Yesterday, Not yet, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m pretending to be a juggler. Nope. Ok?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
Finally as a cheaper option we could all wear David Copperfield masks for the first day, then the only people who would bother you would be friends of David Copperfield, slim chance of that happening.

Observation 4
Why do people who you don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t know wander up and insist on showing you crappy tricks. I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t mean dealers it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s their job to show us crappy tricks, I mean other magicians?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. Not my mates. Just strangers who don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t know me from Adam but for some reason think I have never seen an ambitious card routine before. Or a new Basil, Cybil, Manuel or whatever, 36 phase cut. Why? You see people slowly wearing the cards out like a springer spaniel with a new toy?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ Their tongues hanging out prancing around in front of you. Whatever you do don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t catch their eye. I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t want them to take my watch, put my wallet under a drink or change my ?Ǭ£5 note into Prince Charles?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ genitals. I want to drink coffee with my friends. My friends can show me tricks, I trust my friends. I just want to watch the people I paid to say. I didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t pay 60 quid to turn myself into a portable audience.
Now if I wander up and ask to see a trick and I sometimes do, that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s fair game. There have been many occasions when I have been in the presence of particular people and I love nothing more than to see what they can do, and so I ask. I ASK!

Solution
I may be getting a little carried away now but typing those last few paragraphs has got my blood pressure up a little. Convention organisers could supply each conventioneer with a Taser. For the uninitiated let me quote from the Taser website.. ?¢‚Ǩ?ìThe ADVANCED TASER?Ç¬Æ brand non-lethal weapon is a conducted energy weapon that utilizes compressed nitrogen to shoot two small probes up to 15 feet. These probes are connected to the weapon by high-voltage insulated wire. When the probes make contact with the target, the ADVANCED TASER brand non lethal weapon transmits powerful electrical pulses of 50,000 volts along the wires and into the body of the target through up to two inches of clothing.
I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d be happy to pay a little extra on the convention fee for such a device. As soon as you see a drooling magician who looks like he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s (they are never women) just come of the set of deliverance, overtly fondling his Talley Ho. Pull out your Taser and blast him. Job done.

Observation 5
I thought I was the only one but after chatting to so many fellow conventioneers I realise that I am part of the in-crowd. The ?¢‚ǨÀúafternoon nappers?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢.
You drink all night till 4 or 5 in the morning and get no sleep. Now you can get through the first day like this but keep it up for too long and you end up like Bobby Bernard at a Shimshe lecture (Allegedly.)
So to survive you need the afternoon nap. But how do you fit it in? By the time you have got back to your hotel the next lecture is due to start and you toss and turn wondering if you are missing a new version of the hydrostatic glass. You are knackered but you can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t sleep for fear of being out of the loop?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s a vicious circle.

Solutions.
A sleeping area, a little bit like business class with a stewardess or two to wake you up if something is about to happen. They could have some magical knowledge so they wouldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t wake you up unless it was a great new bit of business or a hot new trick from the States.
If space didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t allow then why not move all the afternoon lectures to early in the morning when everyone is wide awake anyway. Then if you did miss a lecture you would be so drunk that you didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t care anyway and the next afternoon you could sleep safe in the knowledge that nothing is going on.

Observation 6
Finally?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ I am sick of those phantom crowds. You know the thing where a group of people suddenly congregate around one guy who appears to be doing something incredible, probably without being asked?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ And so despite your better judgement you crane your neck through the crowd only to see yet another performance of the spinney card trick?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ whooooo around the body. Every time it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s the spinney card trick. Get my Taser!

Solution.
Anyone who buys invisible thread must be given a huge sign that they must always use, simply saying ?¢‚Ǩ?ìRelax it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s just that F*!*ing spinney card thing?¢‚Ǩ¬ù

One day I will organise a convention and it will be perfect.

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About the author…
John Archer is one of the top comedy magicians in the UK. He is in great demand as a stage, cabaret and close up magician. He also finds time to write with comedian Tim Vine and starred in some best selling DVD?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s for magicians. His latest effect Collard has recently been released through Alakazam